YOU KNOW YOU'RE A NERD WHEN...

• You think playing the accordion makes you look "hot."
• In high school, you were voted "Most Likely to Date a Kitchen Appliance."
• You own an extensive collection of bunny slippers.
• You take your mom to the prom.
• You alphabetize your sock drawer.
• You look forward to dental appointments.
• Your idea of excitement is counting the number of dimples on a golf ball.
• Not even your mom gives you a good-night kiss.
• If you were a car, you'd be a beige station wagon.
• On a scale of 1-10, you're a -2.
• * You want to hang out with your girlfriend/boyfriend at the comic book store.
• * You wish you had an action figure that looks like your girlfriend/boyfriend.
• * Your idea of Friday night fun is yodeling in a kilt while riding a unicycle.
• * High school football players always beat you up whenever they're angry or they lose.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE LAZY WHEN...

• You take a coffee break between naps.
• You have a doorman open the refrigerator for you.
• You only chase dead things.
• People can't tell if you're sleeping or dead.
• * You think exercising is yawning, breathing, dunking doughnuts, alarm-clcok smashing, chewing, spider-crushing, and a quick nap.
• * You have a doorman open the refrigerator for you.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FAT WHEN...

• You have this tremendous urge to graze.
• Waiters bring you the dessert menu first.
• Your new house is a blimp hangar.
• You sweat butter.
• You turn over, it registers on the Richter scale.
• A NASA satellite starts orbiting you.
• Someone tries to climb your north slope.
• You wonder if you still have feet.
• Even your mom starts calling you "Moby."
• Your picture is posted in "all-you-can-eat" restaurants.
• The phone company gives you your own area code.
• Every time you go to the beach, the tide comes in.
• You sit around the house, you actually sit around the house.
• Your cereal bowl comes with a lifeguard.
• Your driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
• You dance, you make the band skip.
• You have smaller fat people orbiting around you.
• You have to put your belt on with a boomerang.
• You turn around, people throw you a welcome-back party.
• You go to the ocean, the whales start singing "We Are Family."
• You go in a restaurant, you look at the menu and say, "Okay."
• You fall over, you rock yourself to sleep trying to get up again.
• You can't even jump to a conclusion.
• You're rocking, you're not in a rocking chair.
• You have a sweater made for you that says, "Wide Load."
• You set your scale back five pounds. Maybe ten.
• You give birth to another chin.
• Even your toe if overweight.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE OLD WHEN...

• You can play connect-the-dots on your liver spots.
• You went to an antique auction... three people bid on you.
• You used to put cream in your coffee; now you put formaldehyde.
• You were married, Elvis Presley was in his mother's stomach.
• You're still growing hair, but only in your nose.
• You sprinkle tenderizer on your applesauce.
• The airport people ask to check your bags, and you're not carrying any.
• Your birth certificate is written in hieroglyphics.
• Your birth certificate expired.
• Your Social Security number is 1.
• You got the first copy of the Ten Commandments.
• Your memory is in black and white.
• You were told to act your age, you almost died.
• You were young, rainbows were black and white.
• You were born, the Dead Sea was just getting sick.
• You lie about your age.
• Your favorite late night show is the 6:00 news.
• One of your past birthday card signature will be worth alot of money.
• Your birthday cake collapsed under the weight of the candles, and it sets off the smoke alarm.
• Turkey buzzards circle you.
• You don't wanna consider aging gracefully.
• Your age is compared to an oak tree.
• On your last birthday, your walker was decorated with streamers.
• People ask you what life was like before fax machines and television.
• You wheeze out your birthday candles.
• You begin to receive "large print" birthday cards.
• * You remember when Baskin-Robbins only had two flavors!
• * You knew Bigfoot when he wore booties!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE UGLY WHEN...

• You were little, your mom used to tie a pork chop around your neck to get the dog to play with you.
• Your dentist treats you by mail order.
• You're at the beach, cats try to bury you.
• You looked in a mirror and your reflection ran away.
• Your mother used to feed you with a slingshot.
• You turned Medusa to stone.
• You made an onion cry.
• You get in the tub, the water jumps out.
• Your pillow cries at night.
• Your shadow quit.
• You joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
• You didn't get hit with the ugly stick, you got hit with the whole tree!

YOU KNOW YOU'RE STUPID (maybe) WHEN...

• Someone has to dig for your IQ.
• You sell your car for gas money.
• The school employees had to burn your school down to get you out of third grade.
• Someone asked you if you wanted to play one on one, you say, "Okay, but what are the teams?"
• You tried to steal a free sample.
• You put a ruler in your bed to see how long you sleep.
• You thought a "quarterback" was a refund.
• You sit on the TV and watch the couch.
• You throw a rock at the ground and miss.
• Someone tells you Christmas is just around the corner and you go looking for it.
• You took a spoon to the Super Bowl.
• You once tried to raise your IQ by standing on a chair.
• It took you three years to learn how to breathe.
• * You don't know the law of gravity.
• * You failed all your classes, even Recess and Lunch!
• * Space aliens landed on Earth, they'd report no intelligent ilfe on the planet.
• * You've got the IQ of a turnip.
• * You consider a career as a crash dummy.