A STRANGE CONVERSATION: THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES AND A FAMOUS, YET A LITTLE CRAZY CARTOON
At the White House, George W. Bush sat
peacefully at his chair, happy that he had won his reelection.
"Ah..." Bush said in his usual Southern
accent. "It's great to win again..." But his peace was cut off when the TV suddenly turned on by itself and the famous cartoon
character, Spongebob Squarepants, appeared.
"Dahahaha!" Spongebob laughed. "HELLO MR.
"Argh!" said Bush angrily. "Who are you?"
"Why, I'm Spongebob!" answered the sponge.
"And I'm here to annoy you as much as possible!"
"Please don't!" Bush pleaded. "I just won
my reelection! Go bother someone else!"
"I can't!" Spongebob said. "I need to annoy
you, Mr. Bill Clinton.
"I'm not Bill Clinton!" corrected the stubborn
president. "He left the White House four years ago!"
"Yeah right," said Spongebob with ignorance.
"Do you still play the saxophone?"
"Yeah, he still does," answered Bush. "But
recently, he can't stand burgers, one of his favorite foods."
"He can't stand WHAT?" Spongebob yelled.
"I said he hates burgers now."
"He does?" questioned the cartoon. "Barnacles!
I LOVE them! Why, I even work at a great restaurant called the Krusty Krab and my boss, Mr. Krabs, is very nice to me and..."
"Yeah, okay," said Bush trying to get Spongebob
to stop. "Now go away, please." Spongebob ignored him.
"I like cheese, onions, ketchup, mustard,
"WAIT!" shouted Bush. "What was that last
"Uh... pickles," Spongebob corrected.
"I finally know how to defeat the Iraqi
terrorists!" Bush said with confidence. "We'll throw nuclear pickles in Iraq! The U.S. will triumph!"
"Um, they're just for eating," corrected
Spongebob with an odd look.
"NO, THEY ARE NOT!" yelled the President.
"The war will be at an end after nearly four years of war! I must tell my foolproof plan to the army and the Secretaries!"
"Oooooooookay...." said the sponge, still
with an odd look. "Go ahead. I'd love to see a good laugh. I'll invite Patrick to watch too."
"Everyone will watch the fall of the terrorists!
YAY!" Bush leaped out of his chair and started talking with everyone in the White House, with a strange, doubt look on their
faces. I, the author, will not say if the terrorists die or not. That, my friend, is for you to decide.
The April Cometh
INTODUCTION: Oh no! Don
ho! The monkey Martians are here from the planet of Tooters, which means, “to
be stupid” in Latin. Who will defend us Earthlings from their divine evil?! The ancient chocolate bunnies from a couple days ago, that’s who! With machine guns and arrows, they will triumph over the Martian leader, Kshrink! But wait, what’s that! NO! A SWAT team from the CIA is secretly joining the Martians! Will
the bunnies of sweetness defeat them and their UFP, or will the Martians be smart enough to enslave the Earth? Find out here!
At the factory…
of the chocolate bunnies, Matt, is celebrating his victory on the most recent war that ended, the Weird War of Al, but all
of a sudden, his messenger, Bob, comes in with heart-breaking news (just kidding).
“Master!” cried out the stupid hare. “The
monkey Martians of Tooters are here, sir! AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!” Bob fainted. Matt then looked at a shorter but a definitely
Bruce, you saw them coming!” Matt said. “What did they look like
and what is their transportation device, wot?”
stated the Brother in his regular German accent. “Zee transportation devise
iza UFP, an unidentified flying pizza!”
did the UFP have on it?” questioned Matt. “And WHAT DID THE MARTIANS
Martians had veen skin, vore a zhester haat, had uber feet, had a vake flower, und a dangevous vepon!” answered Bruce.
was this… weapon?”
vus… a zelter bottul!”
bottle, eh wot?” thought Matt. “What did the UFP have on it, like I said earlier?”
had pepporoney, vushvooms, a vonkey paw, und a vonkey edd! Vy call zit,”
Brother Bruce cleared his throat. “A cheesy monkey pizza!”
do you think they will come, Brother, old lad?”
Matt yelled out. “STOP KISSING EACH OTHER AND GET YOUR WEAPONS! WE’RE ABOUT TO FIGHT QUEER MARTIANS! BATTLE CRIES READY,
MAFIAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!” The chocolate bunnies went on the battlefield just
behind a small city in France. The monkey Martians of Tooters came out of their
smelly pizza transportation device and the leader, Kshrink, came out.
said the stupid alien, while hitting his head.
a strange little creature, eh wot!” stated Mike.
OUR PIZZA OF STUPIDNESS!!! WE WOULD HAVE DONE ANY TYPE OF PIE BUT THEY ONLY HAD
PUMPKIN, WHICH IS JUST A LITTLE BIT ON THE SMART SIDE AND TASTES KIND OF FUNNY, BUT WE ARE TOO SMART FOR THAT, AND YOU'LL
BE GONE FROM OUR SIGHTS! J-A-W-N, GONE!!” Then the strange monkey
creature let a sigh of relief.
WON’T BE ANY MATCH FOR US, FOR WE HAVE THE CIA ON OUR SIDE, AND WE WILL SUCK ON YOUR BELLY BUTTONS!!!”
MY MINIONS!!” As soon as Kshrink said that, everyone battled for their
lives, Whoa. That didn’t sound right.
Anyway, about a few millenniums later, Kshrink won. APRIL FOOLS! It’s
actually a couple of days, with only Kshrink, Matt, and Brother Bruce left. Yep. A Chocolate bunny that's a priest is a warrior.
HAVE YOU ZAROUNDED, FOOL!” screamed Bruce. “ZHU CUNNOT DEVEAT US!”
REALLY,” said the evil monkey alien. “FACE THE WRATH OF BUTTERED
TOAST, I MEAN, DISGUSTING PIZZA!!!!” Then, Kshrink through the UFP at Brother
Bruce and “broke” him. Matt goes to Bruce while the pizza comes back
“NO! BROTHER BRUCCCCCEEEEEEEE!” Matt
then stares at the Martian. “YOU WILL NOT GET AWAY WITH BREAKING A CHOCOLATE
BUNNY FROM GERMANY!!!!” As soon as Kshrink heard that he laughed like Micheal
HEE!” laughed Kshrink. “I WILL CONQUER THIS PLANET CALLED PLUTO AND
DEFEAT THE CHAMPION NAMED DOOMBLADE3k!!!”
grunted Matt. “I’m sure that you may conquer Pluto, but your weak link here is, this is EARTH.” Kshrink ignores him and goes kung-fu style. Matt sighs. Then, all of a sudden, an entire football team gets loose and runs over the strange
other-worldy being. So ended the, uh, life of Kshrink, ruler of the planet Tooters.
Foreword from MikesOwnLittleWorld (who actually wrote this):
See, unexpected things can happen to anybody, and… what’s THIS? Oh
no! Kshrink is alive! He is staring
at me with his eyes of darkness and stupidness! NO! I’m goin’ down! He’s saying his evil battle
This story is directly from Kshrink, a great friend
of mine. Here it is and enjoy...
THE PIES VS. THE COPY MACHINES
It happened in the bowels of
Nubettle, the great planet of the pies, where legions of the pie's army swarmed over the planets surface. There in the planet's
core the pies created a weapon that would finally destroy their most hated enemies...the copy machines. They had been at war
for over a century now, with great loses on both sides. The pies with their ferocious porcelain bomb ships rained clogged
sewage upon the great cities of the copy machines. Yet this did not deter the copy machines though, for they had the powerful
paper cuts to fight back against the pies on land, and fork propeller bombs to reduce their pie nemesis to a sticky residual
goop at sea, you know, like when pie feels sticky on your fingers after a while, yeah, like that.
Yet here the pies believed
that they could finally get the upper hand on the copy machines. This, they believed, would end the war and make the pie empire
complete. It was a-a-a...choo! Wow, I had to sneeze. Anyway it was a giant dead fish, and I mean a giant fish, I mean
this thing was monstrously huge, kind of like the amount of debt America is in. This fish, if swung, could make a peaceful
forest a ravaged waste land. The pie leader was extremely pleased with the dead fish, and ordered it to be sent to the front
lines of the pie army fighting on the Jelzian coast. One pie, and one pie only was put in charge of the Giant Dead Fish (GDF)
and that pie was, Colonel Cherry.
Colonel Cherry had been through many battles with the copy machines. In his most recent battle
he lost most of his cherry filling, and had to have an emergency filling injection, which was really colored water because
they had run out of the injection stuff, but he lived anyway. Most of his platoon had been wiped out by a copy machine fork
propeller bombs when Colonel Pie was on a duck sub. Almost beyond with most of his filling floating about the water and giving
some with a tasty desert with their worms, a toilet chopper found him and plunger lifted him to safety.
So they sent Colonel Cherry to the front lines. Before they dropped him out of the toilet chopper
hovering above the Jelzian coast, Colonel Cherry's fellow soldiers gave him the pies chant of pieness.
All pies are equal, from the blackberry, to the lemon, except for pumpkin which tastes kind of funny, but
other than that, we are all equal!
We are the Empire, and the Empire is us
So go forth and bring glory to the Empire
Go forth and bring dignity to you family
Go forth and bring honor to all pies
And never divert from the path of pie tastiness!!
They then pushed Colonel Cherry right out of the toilet choppers, with paper airplanes from the
copy machines whizzing past him. He held the GDF with all his might but also dropped like a pie filled with stones, hit some
pointy rocks, and was destroyed upon impact.
* * *
Meanwhile on the other side of the battle the copy machines were suffering heavy casualties as
well as running out of their most valuable resource, toner. Many copy machines lost hope on that day, fearing that the pies
had become too powerful during their conquest of the horse galaxy. Yet during this massive pie assault on the copy machine
stronghold, experiments where being done in the transmutation of the copy machines' most basic hardware components. One copy
machine, whose only identity is that of a number assigned to him, was laid bare on a surgical table. His number was 31h.
"BEEEP, BEEP, VOOOM VOOM, BEEEP," he screamed, but all in vain for the for the scientists around
31h were working at a frenzied pace to finish their wacky experiment...the Turn-A-Copy-Machine-Into-A-Fax-Machine Cannon experiment.
With their cannon in place they slowly turned it on, and then when it reached it's full energy level a giant beam of light
hit 31h. The light gleamed with blinding intensity, but slowly died away as the copy machine scientists cut the energy feed.
They unstraped 31h, and as he came onto his base, a gasp of awe came for 31h had become...a FAX MACHINE!!!!! (Dun dun dun…)
To be continued...